Nothing else, nothing more

There are times I wish I could disappear from this mundane world with its dilemmas and strains and scamper away to a remote and secluded place, where I can survive a peaceful life, alone and far away from this hustle and bustle.

It is revolting to see the contrast between the riches of the rich and the poverty of the poor. The sentiment is one of frustration and helplessness. Look at me just now (it is 11.30 PM). I had a sumptuous dinner, consisting of rice, vegetables, meat and custard and there are countless who do not have anything to eat. I feel awful. I have enough attire to cover my shame, while many move around naked. It is a heinous crime. I cannot pacify myself. No matter how hard I try. No matter how logical and reasonable I may be, since time unmemorable, there have always been the filthy rich and the filthy poor, and it will continue to be. It is not right. Why should some have a lot of wealth and some, none? Money is indispensable. This is a harsh fact.

There are people who believe that Mary gave birth out of virginity, that Jesus was resurrected, that Hanuman could fly, that there is a heaven and there is a hell, in spite of this naked truth. How could the world believe in all these yarns when most of us live our lives in utter misery? I tried hard but could not believe in the existence of god. Then I asked myself,” Am I a misfit or is it that the world is not a fit place to live.” I increasingly began to unconditionally agree with Tolstoy’s view: “My mental condition presented itself to me in this way: my life is a stupid and spiteful joke someone has played on me. Though I did not acknowledge a "someone" who created me, yet such a presentation - that someone had played an evil and stupid joke on my by placing me in the world - was the form of expression that suggested itself most naturally to me.”

Thirty years of my life is over and done with, gone! It had been a wasted exercise. Another thirty years (maybe) will see me in a grave or burnt. Youth has passed me by and looking back I see nothing but burnt grasses. What did I do? What did I achieve? Was these thirty years fruitful? Did I enjoy it? Retrospection! Nothing else. Nothing more. Death comes to all men, not that I am afraid. It has been a good and constant companion. Humans have never been my friend. I shun companies. I have never liked people and I don’t think they like me either. Most of the time, I am indifferent to their thoughts.

Many things in this world once shocked me. But now they don’t. I have got used to it. Prostitution, infidelity, adultery, homosexuality, drugs addicts, lames, blind, deaf, dumb, pain, suffering, misery, hunger, flood, earthquake, famine, war, murders, births, loneliness and deaths used to shock me. I use to question the existence of gods with the existence of these ‘shocking’ things. I was told that god is good and kind and I wondered how he could have allowed these to happen.